Green Acres on the Red Planet

|

August 30, 2010

schedule 2 min read

Scientists have recently discovered that there could, in fact, be Life on Mars. All David Bowie-related jokes aside, farming on Mars, according to recent studies, is more plausible than previously thought. A simulation at University of Sydney suggest that the Martian gravity’s influence on nutrient dynamics and root-feeding microbes would allow astronauts to actually grow […]

The humane thing to do is cut off their genitals

|

August 30, 2010

schedule 4 min read

BYU is home to not only 34,000 students, but also 100 to 200 feral cats. For those of you wondering precisely what the term “feral” means, remember your kitty that ran away when you were six? If she didn’t end up as a fuzzy jelly between the treads of a semi-truck tire, chances are she […]

Provo police officers predictably awful at jokes

|

August 23, 2010

schedule 4 min read

If you are reading this and you work for Provo Police Department, here is a list of what is funny: Cats Pratfalls Pies in the face Mistaken identity Observational humor about relationships or how difficult it is to program your VCR. Anything following the Yakov Smirnoff Soviet Russia Reversal Model (Ex: “In America, you eat […]

Provo city relaxes beer sale laws ever so slightly

|

August 23, 2010

schedule 2 min read

Provo is letting its hair down a bit and relaxing its proximity restrictions on off-premises beer retailers. Previously, any PBR peddlers in the city had to keep a robust 500-foot distance from any school, church, public library, public playground or public park. After a ruling from the Provo Municipal Council, off-premises beer sales may now […]

The Sloppiest Crusade: Will Arizona’s anti-immigration legislative frenzy spread to Utah?

|

July 19, 2010

schedule 10 min read

Some of us thought that Brigham Young’s Avenging Angels were the last bastion of organized vigilantism in the great state of Utah. We harbored romantic images wherein three of Brother Brigham’s wives – a brain, a tomboy and a sexpot – would be frequently given dangerous, sexy assignments through some kind of primitive speaking tube. […]

Lt. Shane Whitaker and The Case of The Farmington Floozy

|

July 2, 2010

schedule 2 min read

Know what happens when you don’t read inter-office memos? First of all, you end up being the only schmuck in regular business duds on Hawaiian  Friday. But, even worse, you don’t hear about any possible sting operations that might be being set up at a seedy motel near you. Being totally ignorant of any possible […]

Think globally, drink locally

|

June 30, 2010

schedule 2 min read

Are you a socially conscious swiller of hooch? Do you dream of a day in which getting nicely blotto will somehow be beneficial for Burma? Do you give giant trash bags full of your empties to the less fortunate, so that they can collect more nickels from the recycling center? Most of all, do you […]

Smiley’s Way

|

June 30, 2010

schedule 5 min read

No matter how wonderful the art is, the community usually doesn’t care about about some random townie’s work. Why should they? We live in the Interweb Age, where eons of entertainment are a double-click away. Folks seem generally more comfortable with art by people they don’t know. Perhaps that removal is a stamp of approval. […]

Carole King and James Taylor team up for commemorative tour

|

June 10, 2010

schedule 2 min read

Folk-rock icons Carole King and James Taylor will be stopping in Utah on their “Troubadour Reunion Tour” on July 15 at the EnergySolutions Arena in Salt Lake City. Carole King began her career as a songwriter, penning hits for Aretha Franklin, The Animals and Dusty Springfield before recording her critically acclaimed solo album “Tapestry” in […]