..New Mall Franchises Scientologiez. They interview you, take readings on ridiculous meters, and then hold you hostage the rest of your life by threatening to reveal your darkest secrets — all in the latest skater styles! TCBC — The Country’s Best Colonics. They can’t explain the need for the tube to be clear, but it’s […]

Mix tapes are an unfortunate victim of the digital age.  Nowadays you can just cruise your iTunes, and quickly burn a generic CD, probably featuring Owl City. Nuts to that. Back in the days of cassettes, you had to plan, engage, really put your time and effort into it.  It meant something, each song was […]

Foreigners. The world is full of them. Did you know that all but some people in the world are foreigners? It’s true. And yet, if you build and maintain a healthy dislike and disrespect for people other than those of your nationality, race, ethnicity, creed, level of physical ability, social class, sexual orientation, educational background, […]

Yes, fine. You of the ironic, derogatory t-shirt that reads “Your favorite band sucks,” you nailed it. My favorite band does suck. Not only that, but they’ve faded into irrelevancy. The nineties were a long time ago. Ah, the nineties. I miss the comfort of feeling sad. We were the generation that took the sentiment […]