Arches National Park became the first national park to capitalize on former Pres. Bush’s lame duck loosening of environmental safeguards. They will now hold auctions that will allow advertisers access to the red-rocked tourist destination. Delicate Arch, the longstanding symbol of Utah, stands to be the big-ticket real estate.
This Tuesday, UVU’s administration issued a shocking proclamation; UVU has officially declared war on Brigham Young University. The declaration stated that UVU was forced to take action because of BYU’s “repeated and annoying acts of douchebaggery against the faculty, staff, and students of Utah Valley University.
Bikini Cuts hair salon is set to open up shop on UVU campus in the Sorensen Student Center as soon as summer semester classes begin. “We’re very excited to open up our UVU Bikini Cuts location,” said Bikini Cuts owner Rod Ellis. “We’ve always wanted a Utah Valley presence, and UVU just seems like the perfect fit.
Jimmy Vipple is excited (to put it mildly) to make the big bucks this summer. “I’m stoked,” Vipple said. “I mean, EPX says that the least amount made by a sales rep last summer was around 20 grand. That’s so much money!” Vipple, along with others, attended a meeting in which they learned they “would be fools not too sell for EPX this summer.
After decades of attempting to clean up the seagull’s reputation, the American Avian Society has finally decided to call a spade a spade and admit that seagulls are douchebags. The AAS released an official proclamation last week. This news has hit the citizenry of Utah especially hard, as the seagull is recognized as the certified State Bird.
Dance majors will now have more to do than sit in the hallway of the LA building stretching while wearing arbitrary and weird sweat pant combinations with equally depressing leotards. A new exotic dancing establishment, Club of the Twelve Apostates, is opening in Provo next weekend and is actively recruiting UVU’s dance majors.
Mr. and Mrs. Locke sat petrified on their sofa and watched their daughter Genny with frozen stares. The toddler is not yet two years old, but she is swearing at the contestants on Jeopardy! with undisguised contempt. “Moron! How the hell could you possibly mistake Newton’s Laws for Einsteinian theory?!” she yelled.
A dispute over whether to publish an article on a cursed bowling ball or a half- page photo of a child’s homemade cookie that sort of looked like the Virgin Mary caused a newsroom brawl Monday. Photographer Trent Bates’ face reddened in a deep scowl as he hooked Life editor Mel Sundquist in a headlock.
So here we are, UVU. We had the big transition last year when we switched from UVSC to UVU. Now, don’t get me wrong; I think switching from UVSC to UVU is great. But the question still hangs over us — when will UVU become a University? With true University status, we should become unstoppable.
Edward Cullen sparkles. No – he SHIMMERS. As a flamboyant gay man at UVU, I obviously believed I had no interest in the alleged heterosexual TWILIGHT books series and I was less-than-enthralled when my official “fag-hag” (holla Shaniqua-lay, you’re my girl!) and all her friends went out on opening night for the movie.
