UVU Babes #1 Cause of Fender Benders on Campus

Written by Nikolaus Abbot

 

Parking at UVU is no laughing matter; getting a good spot is a delicate matter and finding a great spot can depend upon exactly what time you arrive on campus. Even more dangerous however, is getting off of campus. The parking lots around campus are more clogged than the arteries of “Da Superfans”

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But that isn’t even the worst of it. Babes, both men and women, just prowl around the parking lots “going to their cars” and strutting their stuff. As a result of the overwhelming amount of beautiful people on campus many students have noticed a sharp increase in the number of fender benders. As of yet no casualties have been reported, but the body work bills are staggering.

“What am I supposed to do?” Creed Haymond, a Computer Science major at UVU said, “Not stare at the babes?”

While I will neither condone nor condemn the act of “driving and gawking” this reporter won’t deny the pure animal magnetism that beautiful people tend to emit. UVU currently hasn’t made an official statement concerning this disturbing turn of events. However, in an unverified statement from the Dean’s office, some school officials are apparently, “In talks concerning the babe problem at UVU, and are looking into ways to prevent so many beautiful people from enrolling in our classes.”

While many college campuses are struggling to keep enrollment up, and attract the most qualified students, UVU has its hands full with an entirely different problem. UVU is hoping to actually reduce the number of babes on campus and harbor a sense of security amongst its drivers. God bless you UVU!