Gaypocalypse now!

He who has ears to hear, let him hear: Being gay is neither a choice nor a hereditary trait. It is a disease.

These are uncertain times to be a man in America. The loud guy next door could be more upright than you. Washington put a man on the moon and now they want to send a rocket to Uranus. Even your morning postman might be checking the male.

Forget corrupt governments, endangered dolphins, and that homeless guy near Wal-Mart: God’s biggest concern is whether you are safe from a guy who likes your legs. Now the devilish plague that besets our land, that horror known as homosexuality, has swelled in strength. It weakens everything firm and studly, and masculinity becomes less straightforward. Has all machismo gone soft? Inadequacy, thy name is man.

But I cry out now like a prophet on the mountaintop in warning: the time is approaching when this disease will rise up and come for you all.

How does it spread, you ask? Wherever the brawny form of man is known to congregate: gyms, locker rooms and churches are all at an especially high risk. Not even the video gamers are safe, for it’s our own natural, virile perspiration that dooms us to destruction. The very sweat of our brow contains the homosexuality that threatens us all. A casual handshake, some post-game chest-bumping, or a whiff of b.o. can all irrevocably turn you gay. And men are around other men all the time.

Hence, we bring about the end. Boy Scouts will be on their masters like Luke Skywalker on his sister. Congress will collapse into wanton orgy. Pope and clergy will enmesh in sweaty sin. Gold’s Gym will become as Sodom; Cabela’s, Gomorrah. (What about the women? Don’t ask; that knowledge is hidden right now and will come forth at a later time.)

This natural evolution will come swiftly like a thief in the night and infect all until males become zombosexuals and trudge down city streets, murmuring “ THTOP IT!” as they nod their heads to a new Eminem song sampling Katy Perry (which he’ll perform live at the Grammys with Elton John).

I have endured the earliest stages of this metamorphosis and I know that the next stage is coming soon, the stage when this horror will spread rapidly and without mercy throughout the planet. The onset of an epic Gaypocalypse is upon us, brothers, and we will rue the day we believed homosexuality to be merely genetic or simply a choice.