How to properly revel in misery
Valentine’s Day is hell on earth. Red decorations cover the walls mimicing the flames of Hades, and black-hearted cherubs aim arrows at the lonely like the centaurs in Dante’s seventh circle. There is no way to escape it, as we learned in Dante’s Divine Comedy. The only way for us lonely souls to survive the worst day of the year is to dive into it head first. This year the UVU Review will be your Virgil. Meaning your guide. Enough of the lame references, I promise.
The point is, to escape these 24 hours of torture, you might want to try succumbing to the misery. Wallow in it like a toad finding comfort in the mud.
1. Read a book
Grab the nearest classic romance you can find. We highly recommend Shakespeare’s long-format poem “Venus and Adonis,” especially if you’re having trouble convincing the other sex of how awesome you are. Take this, a large bowl of fattening food, and perhaps a few sickeningly romantic candles into the bathroom. Lie in the dry tub, as clothed or as naked as you deem fit, and read your book aloud. Let the sadness of it coat the walls and seep into your pores.
2. Take a drive
Invest a tank of gas in this venture, and take your troubles to the Bonneville Salt Flats, also known as the most depressing place on earth. Lie on the barren, fetid ground, stare at the grey sky, and contemplate your meaningless existence. On the drive home play Journey’s classic “Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin'” on repeat on your car radio. Don’t allow yourself to extend the trip to Wendover to buy some fancypants Nevada liquor and cigarettes — you’ll want to be sober to fully bask in the agony.
3. Stalk the internet
Plop your hideous, hopeless carcass in front of the computer, and study the e-lives of those more fortunate than you. Flick through those wedding pictures on Facebook. Read the blogs of those who have love. Send your waves of hate out to the universe, and then lie on the floor a while.
4. Be creative
Listen carefully to your desolate pulse. Your body will tell you how to best be miserable. Forget about everyone else and revert to your most basic instincts — and soon it will be Feb. 15.