Things we’ll be missing after the budget cuts

Much rabble regarding the proposed higher education budget cuts has been roused. Up to  five percent of the education budget could be cut, which would require administrators to find $102 million to trim from their programs.

It’s hard to decide what could be trimmed, what should be trimmed, and most important, what WILL be trimmed. Wile five percent might not sound like a whole lot — the LDS Church, for example, asks its members for 10 percent of their income, and there doesn’t seem to be too much outrage on that front — here’s a handy list of what five percent of the budget could possibly buy:

20,400,000 cheese (or pepperoni, if you wanna get all fancy about it) pizzas from Little Caesar’s for Club Rush

10,200,000 hours of janitorial work at $10/hr (about as long as it’ll take for the men’s room in the Woodbury Business building to not be really gross)

29,142,857 African Dwarf frogs for the biology classes to dissect

145,714,285 pieces of 14”x11” posterboard with which the UVU Animal Allies club can write signs protesting the dissection of African Dwarf frogs.

1 new science building

42,500,000 large Caffé Americanos for the freshmen who just learned about nihilism in their Phil 1010 class and think no one else has ever, like, even THOUGHT of that before

1,275,000 yearlong Yellow parking passes

? yearlong Purple parking passes (suckers!)

127,500,000 tomatoes to throw at those morons playing stupid folk-rock songs on their guitars in the halls of the LA building

102,000,000 organic tomatoes to throw at those morons playing more environmentally-conscious-but-equally-stupid folk-rock songs on their guitars in the halls of the LA building

81,600,000 twenty-ounce bottles of Dr. Pepper with which to fuel the UVU staff for approximately two weeks