Wednesday woes: Bro grabs

Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant.  

-Socrates

 

Hey, dude, it’s nice to meet you. My name is John-Ross. Most every calls me J.R., though. I wish I had a cool nickname that everybody called me, but the only alias that’s ever really stuck is Dog Hands…it’s a long story.

 

Woah, dude. Step back. That’s close enough.

 

You were going to bro grab me, weren’t you? Don’t act like you don’t know what a bro grab is! It’s that clasp-the-other-person’s-thumb style of handshake where you reel me in closer and it becomes a half a hug. Yeah, a homie hug.

 

You were going to homie hug me. And we just met.

 

Look, I’m sure you’re a cool dude. Our mutual friend totally vouches for you, and your Red Fang t-shirt is totally boss. Frankly, if you seemed like a tool, I wouldn’t be conversing with you in the first place.

 

But don’t jump the gun, my man. Our friendship is just beginning. We’re gonna have all kinds of adventures and reach platonic heights which we never thought possible. But that takes time, and it has happen organically. Otherwise, it just feels forced.

 

The bro grab or the homie hug is an important physical display of the fraternal love between two dudes, dude. It’s hard for men to express their emotions, Such expressions ultimately indicate vulnerability. And in this dog-eat-dog world where you compete with other men for ladies and status and respect and the last beer, vulnerability is blood in the water.

 

But a bro grab is a safe way for two dudes to tell each other, “Check it out, Broseph Gordon-Levitt – I got your back, through thick and effing thin.” It’s an affectation of affection characterized by a masculine display of clasped fists and back slaps. Basically, for two straight guys, a bro grab is a vote of sacred trust.

 

Bro-grabbing me upon first meeting me, is like getting down on bended knee and proposing to a girl before the first date is over.

 

And I want to be at that point – the point where we are free and unabashed in our homie hugs, both public and private. But I don’t want to start there right away. Half the fun in any relationship is the journey to that first, wonderful, authentic homie hug. And I want to embark on that adventure with you.

 

But until that point, step off, dude.

 

 By John-Ross Boyce – Opinions Editor