How to spot a…

How to spot a hipster

• They deny being a hipster. Hipsters refuse to be labeled as a hipster because being a hipster is suddenly cool and hipsters never want to be cool. The ironic thing is hipsters want nothing but to be cool. They also want to be ironic, which brings me to my next tip …
• They have ironic tattoos (think cat in a sailor suit inked on their bicep) and ironic t-shirts (think cat in a sailor suit screen printed on their shirt) and ironic pop culture fetishes (I don’t know … Justin Bieber?) and anything else of a satirical nature.
• Despite being 100 percent Anglo-Saxon, they feel the need to honor their imaginary Native American culture by wearing feathers, beaded dreamcatcher necklaces, fringe leather jackets and overpriced moccasins. All items can be purchased at Urban Outfitters: the original Indian trading post.

How to spot a crazy cat woman

• When she stands up, three cats fall out of her dress.
• Her dress is made from 10 pounds of cat hair.
• When she goes to the convenient store, she pays for her salami and cigs with cats, not cash.

How to spot a bro

• You are in Utah County. It’s not hard. Finding a bro here is like shooting pickles in a pickle jar. Walk through the Business building, cruise State on a Friday night or swing by Gold’s Gym.
• Their incredibly large trucks are incredibly disproportionate to the size of their … uh … to the size of their own personal pickup trucks (in their pants).
• Is he wearing an upside-down visor backwards? Are the tips of his hair bleached? Can he not walk properly because of his bulging muscles? If so, you’ve found yourself a bro. Congrats!

How to spot a hippie

• They have small woodland creatures living in their dreds.
• They smell as if they are constantly being medicated for glaucoma.
• They buy organic celery, patchouli lotion, and nutritional yeast flakes at Sunflower Market.*
• *This is also a tip for spotting a hipster, although the patchouli lotion would be purchased ironically rather than seriously.