I Love Boys Who Sparkle

Edward Cullen sparkles.

No – he SHIMMERS.

As a flamboyant gay man at UVU, I obviously believed I had no interest in the alleged heterosexual TWILIGHT books series and I was less-than-enthralled when my official “fag-hag” (holla Shaniqua-lay, you’re my girl!) and all her friends went out on opening night for the movie. But she’s converted me!

Edward Cullen is the gay man’s straight man:

– He’s closeted. He lives a completely different lifestyle and even has different biology, but must live amongst the “normal.” Instantly relatable.

– Edward is always wanting to touch what he doesn’t feel he can ever have. Raise your hand if you’re gay and have EVER thought that walking down the Hall of Flags.

– He has a huge family and fantastic sisters

– and as everyone knows, all gays are practically raised by sisters.

– He has issues with actually birthing a child. Hence how retentive he always is about consummating the relationship. Goodbye to weekly condom expenses!

– He’s constantly trying to assert his masculinity. Straight guys do this all the time, and gay guys see right through it every time. Why? Because deep down, straight guys are just animals who might turn gay any second, just as Edward knows that he could become dangerous at any given moment.

– He gives free piggy-back rides constantly (and all gay men LOVE a good piggy-back ride, of course).

– His hair screams “I was styled in a homo salon!” Excellent fashion sense, too.

– He watches over you while you sleep. All night, every night. Why? To protect you from cross-burning fanatics who hate queer folk, of course.

– Stephanie Meyers might even be throwing gays a bone. Example: The “L” in the TWILIGHT logo is totally phallic. Really. Just look at it.

The number one reason: His skin isn’t superficially tan, it’s pale white. This is great because black might be just beautiful, but death-white is hot. It’s difficult to argue with that logic alone, but on top of that, he can sparkle! Hot Topic sells his glitter junk in tubs for ten bucks a pop, too.

All in all, Edward Cullen is a straight man who constantly walks the line between being straight and seeming gay. Which, of course, is the ultimate gay fantasy. Forget about Bella, Edward! The college gay man has something you should really sink your teeth into.