National Ingratitude

The self-absorbed population of ingrates in this country is growing at a rate that can only be described as pants-soilingly horrific. In a land where we’ve all been given so much, these perpetually dissatisfied whiners insist on a sort of masochistic nitpicking that seems as contagious as it is putrid.

Though most people are content with the bounteous blessings we all enjoy, for some, God’s gifts are never enough. The only satisfactory explanation is that these carping critics of American culture have yet to be acquainted with some of our country’s magnanimously manufactured pharmaceutical pick-me-ups, but to not know the name of even one antidepressant would require that these abominably sad individuals never even watch TV – a proposition even more treacherous than their unrelenting tendency towards the depressing.

You know the type: everybody’ll be hanging out, just having a good time, when one of these mood terrorists will start off on some miserably boring rant they’ve been bottle-fed by the liberal media – half-informed tripe about whatever third-world injustice most recently came into vogue.

What’s more distressing than their infantile need to conform to the dictates of political fashion, though, is their zealous sincerity. These people honestly believe that their soul-crushing crusade is a positive thing.

The next time you’re confronted with one of these painful reminders that even First World countries are plagued with third-rate citizens, simply let them know that you won’t stand for their ingratitude. Explain to them that you appreciate the sacrifices of our less fortunate counterparts from around the globe – that you won’t belittle the suffering of the child laborers and other "exploited" workers who slave away to let you enjoy your famously deserved American standard of living; if they’ve endured so much just to knock a few dollars off the price tag of your mattress, why disrespect that generosity by losing sleep over their awful lives?

Sure, there are places out there that have it rough, and you can acknowledge that. But they have it rough for a reason: so we can have it easy. Why focus on the negative? If you aren’t happy, all these sacrifices are vain. So the next time someone gives you guff about shopping at Wal-Mart or eating out of season food, you look them in the face and give it to them straight: "Yes, the Third World sucks – so that my life doesn’t. There’s nothing we can do to make their lives any better, but we can make ours better by ignoring theirs."