This year we’re voting for vice president

So you’re in your family room playing Wii with your highly political friends, and one of them, the one with the goatee, of course, asks whom you’re going to vote for. You freeze and put your Wii remote down and scratch your head. Sure, your friend’s out-of-the-blue question threw you off guard, but still, you hadn’t pondered about this, so what now?

Don’t worry. Since you’ve read The College Times, you will be able to fight your way to an intellectual response. For example whenever I don’t know the answer to something, I always answer with "It depends." Well, the next time you’re asked which candidate is gratefully receiving your magnanimous vote, answer with "It depends on the vice president." Genius, I know, but here’s why.

Let’s face it. America, as prideful as she may be, is no feminist. She will have to wait many years until a woman takes the driver’s seat. For those of you who are following the political race as closely as I’m following golf (Tiger Woods, as far as I know), the presidential race will feature the charismatic Barack Obama and the experienced Arizona senator John McCain. Oh, and don’t forget Ralph Nader, who can’t wait to ruin it for the Democrats again.

Keeping in mind Barack Obama’s illustrious, college-aged following, I need to exercise tact without sacrificing candor: I fear Barack Obama would be assassinated. I know, sounds terrible and crazy to think that someone so young and refreshing could be harmed, but must I remind you of the JFKs, John Lennons, Gandhis, MLKs, and Benazir Bhuttos of our time? As far as I know, there are still many racists in this country, just as there are those who still believe the earth is flat. We’ve all seen this movie before, haven’t we? It would not be the first time that a prominent black American was tragically targeted because of his success. We don’t need to know who could stoop to such depravity in order to know that there are people in this country who would.

So should McCain win your vote by default? Not necessarily. In fact, if McCain even gets close to Obama’s popularity, and somehow staggers to the white house — making it even more white, in a sense — he will no doubt die of a heart attack, or one day wake up in his king-sized presidential bed, victim of a senility-induced flashback transporting him back to a POW camp in Vietnam. The stress would kill anyone. So do you see how important the vice president will be? Since Stephen Colbert has been off the ballot for some time and shows no sign of a great comeback, I’m going to have to go with alternatives. The list starts at Mitt Romney, his winning grin belying years of heartless disregard for the traveling-arrangements of man’s best friend. From there, it rapidly degenerates all the way down to baby-face Mike Huckabee. But, fellow students, let me tell you that I have been seduced by only one perfect vice president who would not only unite the country, but could probably even bring Rudy Giuliani back from the dead. This person is a mix of experience and charisma, and a couple of the other most regularly flaunted features of Democratic frontrunners Clinton and Obama. Her name, if your friend with a goatee hasn’t already told you, is Condoleezza Rice. She has denied it many times, but we can see through that mesmeric smile of hers: Even though her dream is to be the commissioner of the NFL, this polyglot girl-genius can’t get the white house off her mind.

So next time, instead of freezing up and wasting all that precious Wii time, quickly check who the vice presidential candidates are, and let that guide your response … and get some new friends.