Weekly outlook? Confused

The existential crisis you’ve been experiencing lately finally has found its origins. Apparently you’ve got your whole life wrong – and it’s all because your zodiac was off. Marriage? Moot. New Business? Proceed way more cautiously. However, life and your personality can finally be put back into some sort of stasis thanks to recent astrological changes. With the reintroduction of Ophiuchus, and adjustments of the other twelve, you can get the right advice about what you should be doing. Some won’t be happy with the changes, but that’s all a part of adjusting to the new world we live in.

These will be your new signs. We’ve included fun facts and changes you’ll probably need to make.

Aries
(Apr. 18 – May 13)
It’s okay to lose sometimes.

Taurus
(May 13 ­– Jun. 20)
Bask in whatever you accomplished for longer than you need to.

Gemini
(Jun. 21 – Jul. 20)
Be more sociable.

Cancer
(Jul. 20 – Aug. 10)
Be less sociable.

Leo
(Aug. 10 – Sept. 16)
Shaving is much more important now.

Virgo
(Sept. 16 – Oct. 30)
You would think they could share some days with Scorpio.

Libra
(Oct. 30 – Nov. 23)
Your symbol is an inanimate object.

Scorpio
(Nov. 23 – Nov. 29)
Your numbers have gone way down.

Ophiuchus
(Nov. 29 – Dec. 17)
We haven’t decided what you are yet.

Sagittarius
(Dec. 17 – Jan. 20)
Practice more archery. You probably have good aim…

Capricorn
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 16)
You’re not cheap; you’re practical.

Aquarius
(Feb. 16 – Mar. 11)
Keep your distance from people emotionally.

Pisces
(Mar. 11 – April 18)
Yes. The fish smell is hard to get out of clothes.