Who likes ugly people anyways?

We’ve all seen them, and know that nothing ruins a day quite like the unwelcome vision of unkempt, unseemly, unattractive people. That’s right, you ugly degenerates, you know who you are, and you know we don’t want you around.

Why can’t you be more like the beautiful people? Maybe you don’t have the God-given social grace of that hottie you irritate with your envious stares. Maybe nature didn’t bless you with an unnaturally active metabolism; and maybe your parents didn’t teach you the good sense necessary to stop wolfing down burgers and scratching yourself in public – but the universe, in its infinite sympathy, granted even the apes with a proclivity for imitation.

So, for the sake of every sore eye and offended sensibility for which you are entirely responsible, please, I implore you, do what the beautiful people do.

You may think you lack the resources to compete with the superficially superlative, and you are absolutely right that you just aren’t cut from the same godly marble as that modern-day Adonis that sneered his reply to your smile in the hall. But there is hope – not to be worthwhile in any tangible sense of the word, but to be less of an ignominious Medusa.

If you are ugly, you are almost positively plagued with irredeemable features, make no mistake. But through the investment of your time and money, you can dampen the disservice you render society with every undeserved breath you take.

For instance, you can start with spending more on your clothing than you do on your food. This may seem an impassable objective, given the astronomical amount of crap you shovel down your unctuous gullet, but if you cut back on the deep-fried Twinkies just a little, I’m sure you’ll find there’s plenty of room in the budget for apparel to cover your repellent frame.

Keep in mind that while attractive people use their designer wear to better showcase their physical perfection, you should have different aims. For you, those sweats with "Juicy" written on the rear are a disguise, camouflage to help you blend in with the acceptable masses.

But most importantly, if you are ugly, you need an attitude adjustment. Regrettably, I myself have, on more than one occasion, condescended to speak with an ugly person. And, more often than not, these lugubrious abortions have the nerve, the presumption – the stultifying gall – to speak with me as equals.

Ugly people, understand this: The beautiful are not only better than you, they are your moral superiors. With every elegant step we take, we grace the unworthy masses with an unexcelled joy, as well as give them the meaning they crave in a world filled with ugliness.

You, on the other hand, are a distraction at best, but more probably a disgrace – an injury inflicted on the innocent victims of your appalling appearance.