February Fool’s movie

The climax of Fool’s Gold features one cinematic element that everybody has wanted to see, but nobody has had the stones to do it yet: Finally, someone punches Kate Hudson in the face.

Except, this crowd-pleasing ending isn’t preceded by anything remotely as entertaining.

Every fan of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days has been excited for Fool’s Gold since he or she learned that the Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson duo has reunited again.

They all want to see the gorgeous couple play "Bullsh–" again. Only this time, you won’t get to see them play it; instead, you’ll be stuck in it … for two hours.

Fool’s Gold revolves around the most contrived divorcing couple (McConaughey and Hudson). Years ago, the two traveled to Key West for spring break, got caught up in searching the ocean floor for a lost treasure and never went back to school in Chicago.

The movie starts with McConaughey finding a clue to the treasure’s whereabouts, only the loan-shark/rapper/island-owner/club-runner/rum-maker thug is trying to have him killed for nonpayment, so McConaughey has to look for funding elsewhere.

And it just so happens that Hudson is working on a tycoon’s gigantic yacht. With the help of the nicest rich person ever (Donald Sutherland), his "Paris Hilton" daughter, the yacht’s gay chefs and an idiotic Russian sidekick, this divorced couple is determined to uncover this water-buried treasure.

Fool’s Gold is an insult to any audience member’s intelligence. The script is chock-full of horrible dialogue. The music is unfitting and sounds like it was ripped from an old Looney Tunes sketch.

The story relies fully on coincidence and chance. The characters are typical and unoriginal. The acting is so blah, Jon Heder and Katie Holmes could have played the leads better than McConaughey and Hudson.

And those aren’t even the worst things. The worst things about it are the ever-so-unbelievable stunts they pull off: McConaughey fires a pistol underwater to break the lock and chains holding him down; Hudson out-swims water (did you know that was even possible?); McConaughey is able to fly a plane because of his Playstation experience; and an underwater fight breaks out with people punching each other in the faces and groins, and even vocally swearing at one another, even though tens of feet underwater (a la Top Secret, except this movie is not meant to be slapstick).

Truth be told, Fool’s Gold is just that: fool’s gold. It may look like fun for some, but it’s just a mirage. If you thought the trailer appeared fun, still don’t see the movie, because it’s a lot worse than it looks.

Maybe if the eye-candy characters were a bit better than a grubby, unbathed beach bum and a hammer-headed dingbat, then there would be at least one reason to see Fool’s Gold, but there’s not.