How to become a saint

March is a very Christian time of year. All in one month, we had to deal with the end of Lent, Palm Sunday, St. Patrick’s Day, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Sunday, and Easter Monday. And in the same way April reminds us to prepare our tax return, March can remind us to stay on the track towards sainthood.
 
. You’ve got to have patience. The official process can take decades, or even centuries, which most likely means that you won’t see much of it during your lifetime.

. Technically, you have to be dead for five years before the official process can begin. So you’ll have to align your life in the meantime so that when you finally do die, you’re all set for sainthood. It’s like zipping up your purse and tying your shoes before you get on a roller coaster. You’ve got all that time while you’re waiting in line to prepare, and if you don’t, your shoes will fall off and the contents of your bag will fly everywhere and you will be too late to take control of it.

. Be sure to write about how fabulous you are in your journal, and make sure that your local bishop will eventually get a hold of it. If he deems your life significant and devoted to God, then he should follow procedure and fling you up to the next rung in the ladder.

. Here’s the tough part: miracles. Many think that you must create miracles while you’re alive, but really they are usually done posthumously. This unfortunate obstacle obviously makes the route much more difficult. Try to convince people to pray to your spirit to help them in hard times, because if you haven’t made two posthumous miracles, you’re pretty much screwed.

. Your life must be devoted to God. Now, you’re welcome to interpret this however you’d like. Whether it’s preaching a message, or helping those around you, you’ve got to find some cause (that the Pope would approve of) and devote yourself to it entirely.

. Sometimes you can beat the system. Mother Theresa was promoted to sainthood before she even died — because of the outcry of the people. Before there was a specific procedure for canonization, saints were made by popular opinion.

. It doesn’t hurt to be baptized as a Catholic. In fact, actual this is most likely one of those unwritten rules.

. If all else fails, take a cue from King Henry VIII and create your own religion. Then you can make yourself and all of your friends into saints. You could play this to your advantage even more by canonizing the pizza delivery boy instead of tipping him.