Until death do you part

So, you are considering becoming a costumed superhero (what else are you going to do with a Criminal Justice degree?). Before you come up with a cool name and practice your signature power move, make sure you ditch your love life. Relationships always end badly for superheroes, and not badly like she dumped you and never gave back your ipod. This special comic book breed of badly involves death, torture, and/or mutilation.

Spider-man had to watch his first girlfriend die, and recent events have seen his true love Mary Jane erased from his memory (don’t ask). Daredevil has had two lovers killed, both by the assassin Bullseye, and his current wife driven mad by Mr. Fear. The Savage Dragon’s girlfriend was shot in the head and then resurrected as a zombie. In one of comic book’s most infamous moments, the Green Lantern discovered the body of his girlfriend chopped up and stuffed in a refrigerator. Oh, let’s not forget how things how things turned out for Rachel and Bruce in THE DARK KNIGHT. Spoiler alert; she dies.

In the rare case where your family and loved ones aren’t horribly murdered before your very eyes, they are used against you to make your job impossible. Forget Kryptonite, Superman’s biggest weakness is Lois Lane. What if every time you had a paper due in class, just as you sat down to write it (presumably the night before it is due), you got an email from your professor saying they have kidnapped your spouse and tied him/her to a rocket aimed at the White House. You can imagine the difficulties writing a fully realized thesis under these circumstances.

So this Valentines Day, break up with your girlfriend, dump your boyfriend or divorce your loved one. Let’s face it, you are never going to be a champion of good if you constantly have to worry about your wussy husband being killed off by supervillains. The world needs heroes, just not ones that are tied down by the old ball and chain.